Mother-brain and mother-eyes

I now have a mother-brain. No matter what I am doing, there are all sorts of Zoë thoughts floating around in my head or at the very least, one. This makes it difficult to A) be totally carefree when eating at a restaurant without her, B) teach church lessons, and C) have completely coherent conversations.

Since I go back to work in three weeks (though thankfully at home), I've been a little worried about C. Notice how placing it third not only eased the transition into this paragraph but also augmented the phrase's alliteration? That's me seeing if I, holder of an English MA, can still write a sentence with "alliteration" in it. It didn't go too well because right now I'm wondering if Zoë is actually asleep in the next room and whether she's the right temperature in just a diaper and light blanket. Would a onsie and no blanket have been better? But then her feet get cold.

I was talking to my cousin the other day and she said something like this: it's not that mother-brains are dumb, as I've heard so many mothers profess. It is that they are unfocused. I would have to agree. A more positive way of describing it would be a split consciousness, though that sounds a little Freudian. There I go again. I shouldn't try to bring up Freud while wondering whether Zoë will want to eat in the next half an hour or if I should go to bed now.

On the other hand, motherhood--while robbing me of my former capacity to super-focus on intellectual tasks (don't tell my boss)--has offered me new eyes. I feel as if a whole secret world that heretofore (no comment) did not exist has suddenly been revealed to me. I see mothers everywhere with children who are smaller or bigger permutations of Zoë doing things that Zoë has done or will do and these mothers and their children and their motions and their concerns are all of the sudden intimately familiar to me. It is like finding myself fluent in a language that I heard for the first time only a few weeks ago.

In short, I am transformed.

Food co-op-ing it up

Our friend Jolyn told us about this great food co-op in our area. Click here to get more details.

Basically, you just order from month to month. This was our first time doing it, and we got a half share (chicken, beef, 3 varieties fresh fruit, 4 varieties fresh vegetables, bread, and lentils) and a farmer's market share (6 varieties fresh, in-season local veggies plus fresh herbs) for $28, which is about 50% cheaper than it would be in the store. The other cool part is that they ask you to do 2 hours of community service--anything you want--which is an idea I really like. I also like that with the farmer's market share especially, we're learning what's in season now in Utah and expanding our food horizons. This week we're trying mustard greens, mizuna, and tat soi (delicious!) for the first time. Hooray for the food co-op!

Homecomings and farewells

This week marked some big family moves for us.

First, this guy is now home:

(Great) Grandpa Stan hanging out with Zoë in the care center before his return.

Josh's grandpa has actually been home for a couple weeks now, but this week is the first time he really seemed like himself--walking short distances without a walker and just generally seeming in good health. He's still got a lot of strength to gain back, but he's bounced back amazingly well. Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and prayers.

Next, Josh's cousin (more like a sister) Caidy is now at the MTC and will soon be on her way to Orlando, Florida on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It hasn't really hit us that we won't see her for another 18 months, but we know she'll do great. And we're all planning on a cruise in the Bahamas when we go to pick her up.

Grandma MaryJane with Zoë, Caidy, and niece Abbi.

Cousins love cousins. Caidy, her brother Mike, and Josh.

Much of Josh's family at Caidy's farewell.

Finally, my sister, Diana, and her husband, Jon, moved to San Francisco yesterday, where Jon is going to attend dental school and Diana is going to get a job as a nurse (she just passed her test!). This is the first time that anyone in my immediate family has lived in a different state from the rest of us (or a different city, for that matter). We've lived other places together--the Bay Area being one of them--but never apart. I miss them already. Luckily, we're going out to visit in just a couple weeks.

Diana participating in her favorite Zoë activity.

Jon (and triplet Rick) at Jon and Diana's going-away party.

It is good to say welcome home and hard to say good-bye, but all of these moves have been for the best.

Week 9

This week I got dressed in my church clothes . . .

. . . and I went to church with mommy and daddy (though I sat in the lobby with grandma while mommy and daddy taught their lessons).

I learned how to smile really well (though I try to do it when the camera's not on).

I took long naps.

Nine weeks today.

A sad excuse to cuddle

I am incredibly grateful that Zoë is on her way to being protected from rotavirus, diphtheria, tetanus, pertussis, hepatitis B, polio, haemophilus influenzae, and pneumococcal conjugate. It scares me to even read about what those horrible diseases could do to my baby.

But that doesn't make watching her get three shots in her fat little thighs any less traumatizing. Okay, I couldn't watch, but I did hold Zoë's hand and whisper frantic comforting words while a shocked, agonized, waaaaaail the likes of which I have never heard escaped what I imagined to be Zoë's betrayed little self. The record time in which the nurse was able to place three shots in two pinned down legs was a blessing. And I was able to hold it together while she was in the room, but the tears flowed with my baby's as soon as she was gone.

I know, I know. She's already forgotten it. She won't always associate me with unexpected pain.

Then, after (too) much post-shot sleeping, Zoë let out a similar but shorter wail to signal that her poor little thigh had become swollen and red. More infant Tylenol and a cold compress later, she was back asleep but I was beside myself. I'll take fussy cries over cries of pain any day.

Luckily, sleep and every-4-hour doses of Tylenol took us through the night and today Zoë seems fine, though all she wants to do is cuddle.

Which is perfectly fine with me. So this is where she has been all day. And I'm still happily in my pajamas with a roaring mess of a house around me.

A fifth and a first

Saturday was our five-year anniversary. It's hard to believe that on last year's summer solstice we were here:

(at the nicest hotel I've ever stayed at, after two weeks in New York and Washington DC.)

Life has changed a little bit. For our anniversary this year, we went on a very different outing--albeit one that felt like just as big of a trip. This outing consisted of going to the mall 5 minutes from our house (with Zoë), where we got lunch, went to a movie, and shopped for presents. Okay, so it didn't feel like quite as big of a break as two weeks on the east coast, but it was liberating to be able to do so much with Zoë, who slept most of the time, and spend several hours together.

The next night we ate at one of our favorite Indian restaurants (India Garden) while Josh's family watched Zoë. It was delicious.



After five years of marriage (and eight of being together), I am so grateful to be with someone as caring, creative, interesting, supportive, and a bunch of other great adjectives as Josh. The addition of the label "daddy" to "husband" has only made me love him more and in ways I could have never foreseen. Though I'm a little late for an official Father's Day post, I didn't want to let this first one go by without mentioning a few things.

Josh has been an amazing father since before Zoë was born. I could never have birthed her in the way I did without him. Since then, his delight over her is contagious. I love to hear him talking to her, laughing at her, and singing to her in the next room. He's able to calm her and get her to coo when I can't. And of course he's shown his commitment to fatherhood already with the approximately 500 diapers he's already changed (really--I did the math). I love seeing the relationship that's forming between this new father and his daughter.

Two months old

Zoë is now starting to grow lengthwise out of some of her 0-3 month clothes, but there are plenty that still fit her. I hope she gets some fat legs soon! She is also starting to grow more hair on the top of her head, though she still has the bald ring she was born with, which is pretty funny. She’s starting to get a little more of a personality and she totally cracks us up.

Zoë's tricks: Turning her head much more quickly. Sucking on her hands (when she can find them). Mirroring us sticking out our tongues (I think she likes making us look silly). Smiling (we think at us sometimes). Cooing. Crossing her eyes. Pushing with her feet.

Zoë likes: Milk, milk, milk (and holding hands with mommy while she drinks it). Polka dots. Blinds. Fans. Tree branches swaying in the wind. Going on long walks with mommy. Being worn. Bath time. Cuddling in mommy and daddy’s bed in the morning. Being sung to. Riding in the car. Hanging out with grandmas and aunts. Swinging with mommy or daddy on the porch. Rocking in her nursery.

Zoë doesn't like: It’s kind of a mystery, but something bothers her in late afternoon/early evening and results in a good amount of crying. Tummy time—it’s become very frustrating for her. Gas. The rash that started on her back and has crept to her chest and cheek. Eating on the left side; she’s developed a preference.


Zoë went to her first church meeting last Sunday, though she only lasted long enough to listen to her aunt give her mission farewell talk.

These are some of the faces that crack us up. She likes to peer over our shoulders inquisitively.

Our friend Jean gave Zoë this cute "Rock Star" outfit. Is she crying or singing her guts out?

I love these shoes. Diana got them in China Town in San Francisco. And Josh's cousin Sara gave us this adorable dress.

Two months old today! (And obviously not sitting up yet.)

Our favorite things

Here are some of our family's favorite things to look at.

Josh:
Josh not only likes "looking" at these on TV, but he actually likes looking at his DVD cases themselves--a lot. Sometimes we'll be lying in bed and I'll think he's paying attention to something I'm saying when I realize he's staring at the DVDs behind my head.

Rachel:
I mostly like "looking" inside of these, though I do admire how they look from the outside in our new bookshelf.

Zoë:
Blinds are to Zoë what DVDs are to Josh. We'll think she's staring into one of our faces only to realize she's actually gazing lovingly at the blinds behind our heads.
She is also utterly obsessed with the polka dot curtains that hang down by her changing table. As she approaches the table, she turns expectantly and smiles at them. Who knew my choice of fabric for the nursery would be such a big hit.

Birth announcement

Everyone who reads this blog has probably seen this already, but since the blog also serves as a family record, here it is for the archives:

Week 7

I'm a bit late in posting these, but here are a few pictures from week 7.

Zoë's favorite sleeping position and my favorite way to cuddle her.

A hold that calms Zoë down.

This outfit is too nerdy. I love it. Frog shoes for frog legs.

She was very color coordinated this day (and she's taking up so much more of her seat these days!)

Seven weeks today.

How to open a can of worms . . .

. . . bring up the topic of attachment v. scheduled parenting.

I wouldn't normally do it, because if there is one thing new parenthood has already taught me it's that everyone is entitled to his or her own philosophies and nobody likes unsolicited advice. Different strokes for different folks, as my dad would say.

Except I took Zoë to the doctor today because she had a rash and has been pretty fussy lately. Turns out the rash is just a normal infant skin condition that will heal itself in a few weeks and her fussiness probably just the fact that she's almost 2 months old--when it peaks.

Anyway, in the course of our conversation, the doctor casually handed me an Amazon printout featuring this book:

Now, I haven't read it, but from the reviews on Amazon, I think I understand the book's major points, which are to gradually move to feeding your baby on a 4-hour schedule and not feeding her at night at all.

I know that people do this and their kids thrive and sleep great. But I've also read articles like this one (that's a link) that make me very wary of programs like the one my doctor was recommending (Baby Wise being one example of them).

In any case, it seems rather irresponsible for a doctor to be pushing a book written by someone outside of the medical profession and one that can actually result in underweight infants, low milk supply, and attachment/trust problems. Again, I'm not saying that everyone who follows these programs has those problems and it seems like the people I've talked to who do follow them don't usually subscribe to them 100%. But I'm thinking it's time to find a new doctor.

Any suggestions?

Also, why is it that one's value as a parent is seemingly measured by "how well" (i.e. long) one's baby sleeps at night? Is that really the thing we care about most?

Week 6

We made it to the magic number 6, though I haven't noticed any big changes. I was pronounced "normal" by my midwife (though I've felt normal for weeks).

This week we hung out with Grandma, who's out of school for the summer.

We took baths and wrapped up in our bunny robe.

We made our special burping face.

Six weeks today.

Me and my little girl.

One thing is for sure--after 6 weeks of being with Zoë almost constantly, I still miss her so much even if other people hold her just for a couple hours. I love being her mommy.