Since Zoë's been mobile, she's obviously started getting into things she shouldn't, despite our efforts at baby-proofing the house.
I realized yesterday that we've been saying "no" to her a lot more since she started crawling and that now whenever I say it, she shakes her head. Guess what? I shake my head when I'm saying it too--something she's been doing a lot these days.
Anyway, it made me kind of sad that she was mirroring this negative action (even though it's really cute). I'd hate to have one of her first words be "no."
When I volunteered at the Family Support and Treatment Center as a teen, I remember learning some method whereby you could keep kids safe but never actually say the word "no" to them. But now I can't remember what the wording was!
Besides simply distracting your child with something else rather than saying "no" (which I already try to do), does anyone have any good alternatives to "no"?
8 comments:
Interesting question. We haven't tried to keep our kids from learning "no" (the one I really don't like is "mine," and we do try to avoid that one), but we try to discipline based on the "good baby, bad action" idea. So instead of saying "no," we say, "that is a no-no," (although it helps to be as specific as possible so they start to learn words for things, so, for instance, I will say "Touching the stove is a no-no: ow! Hot!" and then they seem to get WHY they shouldn't do it, which really helps a lot with teaching them not to do something. You can explain simple concepts as they get older, for younger kids I usually act out whatever bad consequence would happen, so I pretend to touch the stove and then pull my hand away and say "Hot!" or if they're tugging on something that could fall down, I mimic it falling down as I'm shaking my head and saying no. You'll be surprised at how quickly they pick up the reason why they shouldn't do it, even if it takes awhile longer to actually stop the action.
my SIL yells danger, which seems to work with her kids, but I have a hard time keeping a straight face when she does it. I don't know why . . .
hmmm...so I did an internship at a residential treatment facility for children with severe behavior problems (like so severe that they had to be locked up to keep from hurting themselves or others) Anyway I had a ton of training in behavior modification. Obviously Zoe is a little young to really understand fully what words mean (all though not totally). But the biggest thing that works for older kids is to use positive reinforcement for good behavior. So that will come into play much more as she gets older. We could talk about it sometime. Its hard to get into in a comment.
What I try to do with Avery is if she is doing something that I want her to not do or is dangerous, instead of saying "No" I physically go to her, make eye contact and tell her as simply as I can why I need her to stop. So it seems silly to do because I am pretty sure she doesn't specifically get what I mean most of the time, but I feel like its a good habit, plus I think babies get a lot from our tone and physical actions. Like if she has her hands in a drawer and they are about to get pinched I get down and take her hands and tell her. And then I repeat it as many times as I need to. It actually works. And sometimes she gets frustrated if I won't let her do something or have something, but if she really screams about it, I just remove her from the stimulus (kind of the same concept as a time out). But I always make sure to hug her and be calm while I am doing it so she doesn't feel punished. We really should get together. It would be so much easier to discuss these kinds of things in real life;)
Oh also, I was reading Rachael's comment and I totally agree with her ideas...and I love the good baby, bad action concept. Anyway...good luck!
"Nein"?
I usually say "don't touch" or "that is a no" and then add a short, simply explanation ("don't touch... the dvd player please" or "don't touch... the fireplace it is hot!). He usually moves away from the object now that he's 14 months and we've been doing this since he learned to crawl but if he doesn't move away I tell him "dont touch" or whatever again and then move him away from it and take him to something he can touch and add on a statement that lets him know what he CAN do like "this is Joshua's toy that he can play with". (sorry for the run on sentence) As he gets older I plan on adding more of an explanation to stuff but from what i've heard, too much of an explanation now a days just makes things more confusing for them. Sometimes less is more at this age. HTH!
Oh, and I also say something like "uh" before he is about to do something he knows he isn't supposed to do which often stops the behavior before it starts. And I try and phrase things in a positive way if possible (like "please sit" when he's in the tub rather than "don't stand"). I'm only able to do this with somethings since he only knows so much right now but plan to use it more and more as he gets older.
The Family Support and Treatment Center uses this phrasing instead of saying no to the actual child: "Books are not for touching" or whatever other object or thing the child's doing that you wouldn't want them to do.
I have some friends who swear by Love and Logic with their two almost three year old.
I have conflicted feelings about this - Louise Erdrich has a great essay about 'no' in her book "The Blue Jay's Dance."
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