Mommy's Day

My dear Meishka,

I’m writing you on my first Mother’s Day. My sweet baby girl, you have a “real” name now, but you are just my Meishka today because that is the name I called you by for at least 4 of the 9 months you were inside me—when it was just you and me (and daddy). When I had your kicks and turns and hiccups all to myself and I could talk to you whenever I wanted about things I was doing or things we would do together when you arrived. When you kept me company at work, on trips away from daddy, in the shower . . . the first time I showered without you at the hospital I caught myself talking to you for a minute before realizing you weren’t there anymore.

Meishka, you had so many people visit you in the hospital who love you so, so much and they were beyond excited to meet you. Your grandma MaryJane held you and cried. Grandma Susan and Grandpa Jeff (I don’t know what we’ll end up calling all of these grandparents exactly) rejoiced over you. Aunt Diana was glued to you and even teenaged Uncle Jesse thought you were amazingly adorable. Great-grandma and grandpa Bean, Aunt Cathy and Caidy, Kristin, Andy and Ana, Sharon, Bill, and Alex—they all came and cried and hugged you and loved you. And there were others too.

But you were still my Meishka. When we got home from the hospital, where we finally gave you the name Zoë Talei for the precious life that you are, I cried. I cried because it felt like my own Meishka had become everyone’s Zoë and in my intensely emotional post-birth state I wasn’t quite sure whether you were the same baby who had shared such an intimate space with me for so long. I wanted you to stay just my Meishka forever. Daddy said that was okay—you could be my Meishka as long as I wanted. We kept you close to us during the next week and put all of those loving visitors on hold so you could stay our Meishka just a little longer.

By the end of the week, I had announced you as Zoë to the hospital, insurance company, and pediatrician. I was now receiving calls for “Zoë’s mom.” And during your second week of life, though I still found it hard to call you solely by your public name without personalizing it a little more, my Zoë you had become.

And so on this, my first officially recognized day as your mother—your mommy—I’m realizing the truth of that saying that to have a child is to have your heart walk around outside of your body. Because you’ll always be my Meishka, the sweet life who shared my heart, my blood, my air, even while you become the strong, beautiful, intelligent Zoë who will make her own way in this world. I can’t wait to see who you become, but while you still fit so snugly in my arms and are still attached through that potent life-force to my breast, I’m going to enjoy all the time I can get with my Meishka. I love you, little girl, more than you will ever know until you feel this mother-love yourself.

Love,

Mommy