I've been thinking a lot lately about the ways in which pregnancy has led--by necessity--to an increase in my faith. Not faith in anything particular, really, but faith in a broader philosophical sense than I might normally use the word. I once read about a gravestone inscription that said, "It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch."
Having something alive in me that I already love so much and having little (to no) control over what will happen to that person, whether it be physically or otherwise, is so much more "fearful" than I could have ever imagined.
But it also forces me to live my life according to the principle of faith by having hope in a situation characterized by the unpredictable, a situation that will inevitably have moments of deep sadness as well as joy (not to mention a sizable portion of mundaneness).
This is hard for me to do, but I'm really thankful for what impending motherhood has taught me so far.
4 comments:
Believe me I know what you mean. It is really good to know that ultimately God is there to make up what we can not. I am amazed that both my children have made it past the age of two. I have a long list of reasons that they shouldn’t have, which is a testament to the fact there are greater forces in this world. I think their guardian angels are on overtime.
Even with that reassurance you will still wake up in the middle of the night after having dreamed something horrible has happened to your little angel. There of course will be the 4am wake up call with a newborn who is still trying to figure out that the rest of the family sleeps at night. Joy definitely out ways the mundane and the fearful. First steps, giggles, teeth, breathe, and smiles are some of the most treasured moment which will make you prouder than graduation, awards, or any other adult celebration.
All in all, one day you will look back on the video of that tiny little one and wish you could spend one more night holding that wide awake bright eyed little baby. So enjoy it while it lasts because as every parent says they grow up way to fast.
you said it!
i tend to be one of those people who compulsively worries about my children spontaneously stopping breathing in the night, and I reason that if I check on them all the time, I will somehow discover their not breathing and fix it in time.
of course, they're always fine, but I do get to spend a few moments watching them sleep and kissing their little chubby cheeks and tucking them all in.
it's a scary world, but they're worth it.
Raschel you made me tear up! It's so true. It's hard to let yourself love so much, because of the fear that they could be taken away, but it is so worth letting go of the fear and just letting yourself love.
It's funny, I currently do not want anymore kids (that may or may not change), however, when Bridger gives me his morning smiles, I can't help but feel SO much happiness even when I'm groggy and tired (Rachel you know what I'm talking about, we are not morning people), but I can only imagine how much I am going to miss that. I'm kind of rambling, so anyway, I liked the post Rach.
That is one of the hardest parts of being a mother I think. I am a worrier by nature so every time one of my kids starts acting sick or different then normal, my mind automatically starts thinking of worst possible scenarios. I will say this though, I feel like I have experienced the worst possible scenario before and that experience taught me so much more about faith than any other experience in my life. I was given the opportunity to completely trust in the priesthood blessings that were given, and my prayers were the most heartfelt that they have ever been. I realized that through the hardest struggles I discovered the deepest joys. That of my children and husband, the blessings of an eternal family, and how fortunate we all are to have very good health. Most of being a mother is living in the unknown and that can be very scary but I have found that knowing that my heavenly father loves my kids even more than me (if thats possible) reassures me that he wants them to be happy and safe and healthy and knowing that he is on my side makes me feel much better.
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