Held

Dear Meishka,

Tonight we had a lovely evening. We decorated great-grandma and grandpa's Christmas tree with the beautiful glass bulbs great-grandma wraps so carefully in paper each year and stores in even trays. Old-time Christmas music played in the background and great-grandpa and I sang along. Daddy showed me the Santa Claus's he remembered from his childhood. You entertained everyone with your "bla-bla-bla's" (tongue out, of course), your smiles, and your excited kicks. We ate a yummy dinner and you stayed up way past your bed time.

On the way home, you were tired and didn't know what to do with yourself. You cried your eyes out in the backseat. Meanwhile, I was feeling grumpy and mean in the front seat for no good reason. I was angry with daddy and wasn't being very nice. When I took you into bed to get you quieted down, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.

You settled down right away as soon as you started nursing, your little body giving a slight shake in between each swallow as you became more calm. It helped me calm down too. I started to notice the warm glow of moonlight and Christmas lights on your sweet face and the sounds of Christmas lullabies from the next room filtering in.

I curled myself around you. You're getting so big, but you still fit perfectly between my chin and bent legs. I remembered what it was like to have you closer still last Christmas. I smoothed your hair--it's getting so long--and kissed your head while I felt your regular breaths and the contented movement of your cheeks. I sprinkled you with tears of mama love.

Then I remembered a story about another baby I'd heard today that was so sad it broke my heart. And then I started crying in sympathy for that little one, who didn't have the right people around to give him love and protection. And I wished that I could hold all the babies in the whole world who were in his situation, hold them like I was holding you. Love them like I was loving you.

And right when my heart was so swollen with all the love I felt for you and all the sorrow I felt for those poor babies, I thought of the baby who we are celebrating this month, and I realized that he loves you--and me--just that much, even more. And he loves all those other babies too. And even though I can't hold them and sometimes no one else can either, he holds them in his way. He holds all of us.

I hope you can feel that too, especially when you've outgrown or outtraveled or outlived my arms. I hope you will always feel held.

Love,

Mommy