a) don't regularly make/sew crafts for or with Zoë
b) may cook but don't have a gorgeous dinner spread worthy of photographing nightly (or, really, ever)
c) don't have a stylishly decorated house, complete with an array of vintage and handmade items (or, let's be honest, a clean house most of the time)
In the grand scheme of things, I know that these things don't really matter at all. I am a good mom even if I don't have the time to make the latest darling fad with/for Zoë. She is more than content with the drum we made in five minutes from an empty oatmeal carton the other day. And, really, she is perfectly happy just being with me. We went on a picnic to the park the other day, where we ate crackers and cottage cheese at a picnic table before going down the slide 8,000 times and meeting a small puppy dog that Zoë got to hold on her lap--she really couldn't imagine anything better than an afternoon like that.
We eat meals that are for the most part healthy and well-rounded, and we eat them together as a family.
Our house provides what it needs to--shelter. And it's roomy enough for us. Whenever I start to doubt that, I remember the story I heard of some previous owners of the house who had something like 5 (or more) kids. The very tiny hallway between our two bedrooms was used as a "bedroom." The oldest kid, a teenager, was so desperate for some space that he started trying to dig a room in the dirt exposed in the cellar. So yeah, we have enough room. And if we lived in lots of other housing markets (NYC, DC, Bay Area, etc.), we'd consider this much space a luxury. And though it's not furnished/decorated as I'd like (or at all, really), it will get there someday.
So, I rationally know all of this, but.
But the thing is that I really like the crafty/foody/decorating stuff. Especially the house. I'm obsessed with houses--other people's, virtual tours, magazines, furniture stores . . . it's always been important to me to make my living space peaceful, unique, and aesthetically pleasing. I'm a nester by nature. I have actual dreams at night (my mom has them too) that I've suddenly discovered a new beautiful room in my house that I get to decorate and use.
As for the crafty/foody stuff, that all plays into my mother-guilt. I think to myself, if I didn't work, I would have time to sew Zoë an Easter dress or make her a cute headband or die eggs green for her St. Patrick's Day breakfast! This is stupid and embarrassing, but I started crying just writing that sentence. But the reality is that I don't have time. Because when she's asleep, I'm working and when she's awake, I want to be fully with her, since it's only half the day. I can't give her everything I want to and even though I know I'm giving her the most important part of me, it still hurts.
But it hurts a lot more, I think, because I read a lot of blogs written by SAHM who not only do these things with and for their children regularly but document them beautifully. And I love these people (and their blogs). I'm so glad they work to make motherhood creative and lovely and interesting. I wouldn't want them to change a thing about what they do or blog about.
I just think I need a break from reading about it.
9 comments:
Hey, I know how you feel. Just rest assured that however someone documents their life on a blog, it is usually a good version of their life. So while they show you the green eggs and the homemade bow, they don't talk about how they shed tears of loneliness because they don't have friends and coworkers to chat with regularly, or they haven't had sex with their husband in months, or they have entire rooms they won't take pictures of and post on their blog or whatever. They're not exactly lying, but they're not showing the unvarnished truth, either. I get jealous of the endless vacations people post about. We're trying to save money and haven't been able to travel much lately. So...everyone has something to envy and everyone has something they envy in turn.
I have TOTALLY been there!
Go ahead and take a break, but just remember, none of it is real. Real moms struggle the same as you and I, and the ones who post about how perfect their lives, kids, husband, houses, talents, etc are, ARE DECEIVING YOU (and themselves)! It isn't true. It's a facade. Fake fake fake!
You on the other hand are REAL and that is why you are AMAZING.
What Zoe will remember years from now is spending time with you and being loved. My mom made me dresses, but she also made me miserable. I'd much rather go naked and be loved than the alternative. (Not that Zoe goes naked, unless by choice!)
Rachel, I hear you. A few months ago I emptied my reader and didn't read blogs for several weeks. Now I just read the ones I am interested in and remember. If I don't feel uplifted, inspired AND motivated then I simply don't read.
I hear you on the guilt thing. You are a mom who loves her daughter and wants to honor her and THAT matters.
I just read what blue cheese said and I LOVE THAT!
Um, would it be possible for you to take a break from reading those blogs without taking a break from writing on your own? I really love reading your blog, partly because it doesn't make me feel bad for not having a husband, a kid, and an Etsy shop.
You have a real gift for writing about all the amazing things you do without making people feel like they need to be doing those same things.
*hugs*
I know how you feel. And you definitely need a break from reading about all that. Sometimes I think the damn mother-guilt will be the death of me. And sometimes I tell it exactly what it can go do with itself! :)
I know exactly what you mean--I've whittled down the blogs I read quite a bit to try to avoid these feelings.
I really liked the other comments--blogs don't show the whole picture. I used to feel like I had to do SO many different activities to enrich my kids and my family because that's what everyone else was doing--not realizing that I was combining all the different activities from multiple blogs and seeing them as something that "everyone" was doing. It's gotten easier for me over the past few years to just focus on the things I really love and enjoy, instead of the things that "everyone" else is doing.
Which means that my kids did NOT get green eggs on St. Patrick's Day (or Dr. Seuss's birthday, for that matter). But we did read stories together that day like we do every day, and we made dinner together, and we played with Legos, because that's what I've decided is important at our house.
One blog that achieves making me feel good AND wanting to be a better person (within my own means) is this: http://www.hearblack.com/
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